23 weeks and new happenings.

I've gotten a little behind on the whole blogging thing because so much has been happening. As of today, I'm 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant. But I got Alex to take a few pictures when I was 23 weeks last Friday.

I'm feeling HUGE! And most days I love that. On the days or in the moments when I definitely don't love it, Alex is always there. :) Sometimes I take for granted how much he has helped me get to where I am in coping with an eating disorder. But I've been working hard on stepping back and seeing all the little things he's done (and continues to do) to help me in this recovery process. I'm so grateful for all he does, and I'm so grateful for the changes I've been able to make in my life thus far. I've never been happier, and it's the greatest feeling ever to really see that change, though difficult, IS possible.

As of now, our little boy is just over a pound! He's about 11 inches long and roughly the size of a large mango. Hmmm....a mango sounds really good right now. I just had one for the first time at my mom's the other day, and it was amazzzing. Hmm..I wonder how you pick out a good mango? Wow, okay, I'm back. My pregnancy brain is getting worse by the day!!

Anyhow, this little guy is squirming more and more. I love every second of it! The only frustrating thing is that as soon as I go to put Alex's hand or my mom's hand over where he's kicking, then he stops kicking! He must be shy or something.. But Alex has felt him move a few times, and I love his facial reaction each time. :)

According to my books, our baby boy is developing blood vessels in his lungs to prepare for breathing. And even loud noises are becoming more familiar to him. I'm hoping this means that once Hershey is born, my ridiculously loud sneezes won't send him into a crying terror. I can hope, right?!

My cravings are pretty consistent. Salty treats (like salt and vinegar kettle chips) and sour treats (sour patch kids, etc) are vital to my existence. I'm still loving fruits in any form. And I'd say Alex is most proud of my craving of meat...most especially steak. It's still weird to me since I never eat much meat when I'm not pregnant!

As for life, *whew*, it's crazy. We're really looking forward to moving into our new apartment in a couple of weeks. We picked up an amazing deal on a great washer and dryer, which will be so nice to have with a newborn. And we're on our way to purchase a bed later today. I get all tired and relaxed as soon as I think about the mattress. It is SO NICE. AND on sale. But still, it costs money. Ugh, do I ever hate spending money.

One of the many factors of my Me-ness that I'm trying to change is the way I view and handle money. It is a very long, painful process; let me tell you! See, in my brain, the conversation goes something like this: "Breanne, you and Alex are being COMPLETELY reckless and irresponsible with money! How DARE you buy a washer and dryer! It's not a necessity. And how dare you buy a new mattress! Even though you and Alex both struggle with back problems and are in need of a good mattress, you should be saving money by just purchasing a lousy, cheap mattress."

My response to my own brain? ..."*whimpers*" That's all. :(

Then you add the other stuff on top of that. See, Alex and I haven't had much of a chance to spend any real time together - just the two of us. Granted, we'll be moving into our own place soon. But we've both been talking about how it'd be good to go on a mini vacation before the baby is born. And since Alex's birthday is in a couple weeks and since he has most of this week off of work, we thought this week would be the perfect time. So we booked a nearby hotel for a couple nights this week.

And being me, I'm naturally feeling super guilty about it. Granted, I know we need a washer and dryer for our new place. And a nice bed (with a good sale) is a good investment. And spending one-on-one time is important, especially with a baby coming in a few months.

It's just so hard for me to see things from a normal, realistic perspective. My brain keeps telling me I'm irresponsible with money, but I've also learned through this therapy process that the way my brain views money is wrong. So I'm trying to retrain myself to realize that whatever my brain initially tells me about money, my spending, or my lack thereof, is wrong. That what my brain initially tells me about money is a thinking error.

It's all a process. That's what I have to keep reminding myself of. And throughout this process - the good and the difficult - I have the best husband in the world, a little baby boy cheering me on, and supportive friends and family. And so I tell ED to back off and that I'll eat what I need (and want) to eat. And I tell myself that in life, you have to spend money. But, it'll all be okay. It always is.