And since I'm home alone with Alex out of town still, and since I hate appearing weak to any of my in laws or my side of the family, I'm just going to vent here. ...And it's kind of odd that I can somehow dump my feelings in a blog but not to a loved one on the phone or something.. Oh well, as long as I have some outlet..
I didn't sleep very well last night - partially because I seriously can't sleep as well without Alex's snoring - but also because my body has been aching sooo much. I don't know what it is, but my whole back as well as my shoulders have been on fire the past week or so. And it's consequently given me the most annoying, constant headache. And for some reason, all my other muscles and joints ache too. I feel like a little old lady, I swear..
And Carson woke up at 5 am. Which I really, really shouldn't complain about ... but I'm just soo exhausted. I have a significantly greater respect for single moms; I just can't imagine doing this mom thing on my own all the time. I feel like I'm crumbling just after a short week!
Honestly, up until today, I was doing really well. But today, I just have felt extra worn out, and Carson has been really sassy and fussy. I had to run a quick errand earlier this afternoon, and naturally, he woke up from his nap while we were out. And so instead of being able to run some other errands, I had to come right back home to nurse him. I was a little frustrated with that at first, but then I was like, "Okay, it's not a big deal. I can feed him, change him, get him back to sleep, and then get out.
Mind you, me "getting out" to "run more errands" was nothing more than me wanting to just do something outside of my home. Sheer window shopping - because there was absolutely nothing I needed; I just had to get out.
So that was the plan. I fed him, changed him, got him calmed down, and I thought he'd sleep for a few hours so I could just window shop a little around town. But as soon as I got in the first store, he started crying. And I just wanted to cry...
I absolutely love being a mom with all my heart, but I was just needing some sort of support today ... I know how dumb that sounds because I obviously have a ton of in laws in the area, but I also know all of them have their own stuff going on, and I don't have the heart to add to their load. And I'm sure when they read this, they'll tell me I'm a wee bit ridiculous and that they're always there for me to turn to ... But asking for help is not my forte. Not at all.
For some reason, it makes me feel weak to ask for help. And it adds a massive load of guilt because I know those around me have so much more going on in their lives, so asking for help would only be selfish.
Example...I actually asked my mom about a week ago if she'd maybe want to fly up here while Alex was in North Dakota - just to help me out with Carson and stuff. I totally knew plane tickets would be crazy expensive, so I felt kind of guilty even asking in the first place. I did my best to convey that I'd totally understand if it was too short of notice and tickets were too expensive. And I genuinely meant that - I'd by no means want her spending a ton of unnecessary money to help me just because I'm a pansy. ...And yet I couldn't help but cry for days because I just wanted her here..
Another example...I just wanted to call up one of my in laws today and be like, "I just need an hour. An hour to myself, an hour of sleep, a bath, just... something." But when they're a drive away, or when they have their own kids plus an extra kid this week, or anything like that...how can I justify asking for help?
It's not like I can even ask for help realistically because of the bottle situation with Carson. So the very first time we gave Carson a bottle, he took it just fine. And he did for quite a while - until just recently. Now, he won't take it at all. And what's super frustrating is my retarded milk! Whenever I freeze some breast milk, it somehow "goes bad" within just a day or so. It actually develops this freezer-burn-type smell, and Carson refuses to take it. I've asked a few lactation consultants about it, and they have no idea why that is. I've tried double bagging the milk and all sorts of things, but nothing works. One of my sisters in law mentioned that she knew a few women who had the same problem - that their baby wouldn't take breast milk that had been frozen. So maybe it's just that my milk is defective.
So that on its own is plenty frustrating, but I was coping with that because at least Carson would take fresh breast milk stored in the fridge. But now that he won't even take that, any excess milk just...goes down the drain. Which is the worst feeling ever. It's pretty much just as bad, if not worse, than washing money down the sick.
And...I couldn't even shower today with Carson crying. And then I just feel like a terrible mom for letting him cry while I shower just because I'm about to lose it and I need to do something for me. And then I feel like an awful mom for just crying him while I hold him, begging him to stop crying..
And now I'm done.. I think I'll go wake my sleeping baby - which seems ridiculous in theory - hold him, feed him, snuggle him, and tell him how I'm feeling. Because somehow, I always feel like he listens and is able to restore my belief in myself.
...I smile just thinking about it. Even with the day that I've had, the fact is...I have the job I've wanted ever since I was little: just being a mom. Of course there will be days like the ones I've had today; anyone who says differently isn't being honest with themselves. But it's worth it. :) Being able to look into his sweet little face and see his daddy's dimples and his mommy's eyes genuinely fills my heart every single time. Even though he'll sometimes cry if I lay him down and leave the room quick, it's the best feeling ever when I walk back in the room and/or pick him up, and then he stops crying.
*Deep sigh* Okay, I'm better now. :) So much better. Is it weird that I can be in tears at the start of a blog post and smiling by the end? I don't even care.
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