Croup

Right now, Sawyer, Carson, and I are visiting my parents in Arizona. Alex drove us down to Milwaukee on February 24th, and we left suuuuppper early (like 4:45 am early) the morning of the 25th. It was a good thing I was gate checking a double stroller because that placed us in the priority line through security. Without that, I for sure would have missed my flight; the line at security was that long. The boys were exhausted but behaved pretty well through all that, and sweet people helped me out along the way. The flight was the longest 4 hours of my life - the boys both screamed during our rather-rough take off, Carson had a major blow-out diaper during the flight, the flight attendants were awful and didn't help me out at all (so I quickly befriended the nice man next to me and the mom across the aisle from us), and then both boys passed out on my lap as we were descending into Phoenix. All in all, quite a rough trip. But I was very proud of us for surviving it!

The couple of days prior to the trip, Carson was starting to cough, and the morning we woke up at my parents, he was full-on sick with a runny nose, cough, and fever. I could tell I was starting to get sick, too. Getting the boys adjusted was (oh wait, still is!) pretty difficult, as they just don't do as well out of their environment. Within a couple days, I had a nasty cough along with congestion too. I was worried about Carson since he's dealt with some pretty frequent ear infections, and I was worried about myself getting better so that I could more effectively take care of my sweet, sick little boy.

But I wasn't too worried about Sawyer. He seemed to be staying healthy, despite all the coughing and snotty kisses from his affectionate big brother. Aside from some major teething of his two top teeth, Sawyer didn't seem at all troubled.

Until the middle of the night on March 2nd, I believe. Sawyer's pack-n-play has been in my room, and that night he kept waking up ... like ... multiple times an hour. I'd try to nurse him, but for the most part, he didn't want to. I'd try and lay him back in his own bed, but he kept waking up, crying and coughing. Bless my sweet parents' heart, they did and have continued to do so much to help out so that I, too, can get over being sick.

Anyway, when we got up on March 3rd, Sawyer was sick. That much was definitely clear. He was coughing, not eating much, sleeping more, and just not acting himself. By this point, Carson was pretty much better, with the exception of a slight runny nose with the occasional cough. I just assumed Sawyer had the same thing, and that it too would clear up on its own.

But that night, Sawyer wouldn't sleep. Every time we tried to lay him down, he'd just end up waking himself up coughing. My parents and I took shifts holding him upright, as that seemed to ease the frequency of his coughing. By this point, too, I was much sicker - to the point that I thought I was going to cough up a lung and maybe a kidney or two. I thought I was going to die, to be honest. And I think I would have died of sheer exhaustion coupled with sickness had it not been for my sweet parents.

As the night progressed, I grew more and more worried. It got to the point where I called the nurse's hotline that I frequently call in Wisconsin. In talking with the nurse and having her listen to Sawyer's cough, her advice was that I taken Sawyer into the ER, given the fact that he was 8 months old and his cough sounded much weaker than it should. I was wishy-washy with this idea. Partially because I thought I could probably make it through with Sawyer until morning. Partially because the anxiety and stress of dealing with ER expenses with out-of-state insurance that would only work in Wisconsin was too much for me to handle. And partially because I was so sick myself that I wasn't sure if I could physically stay up in the ER all night with Sawyer.

My mom sent me to bed for a couple hours while she took Sawyer, and I awoke about 45 minutes later to a wailing, wheezing, scarily coughing baby. I came upstairs to frantic parents who said his temperature had spiked to over 100 and they were trying to bring it back down with a cool cloth. In that moment, the Spirit clarified everything to me: going to the ER was now a necessity. And as soon as that became crystal clear to me, I felt surprising peace and comfort...peace and comfort that I know could come from no one but a loving, watchful Heavenly Father.

My mom had gone to bed by this point, but my dad was awake, offering to come with me to the ER and do anything else I needed help with. Honestly speaking, I had never seen my dad like that before ... that worried or scared or anxious. But still, peace stayed with me. I gathered things up and took my precious little baby to the ER. Tears poured down my face as I drove, and I pleaded with Heavenly Father to take care of my little Sawyer and to help me keep it together. And peace came yet again, along with His ever-reassuring promise that everything would be okay. "Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay," I repeated all the way to the ER.

I took Sawyer inside and got checked in. And shockingly, the meltdown I expected from myself over explaining that we had out-of-state insurance didn't come. Instead, peace remained. I literally didn't even reach a chair before a nurse called Sawyer's name. What a blessing, seeing as ERs usually have you waiting hours upon hours!

They immediately got me and Sawyer to a bed where they hooked him up to a monitor. It was very obvious that his breathing was far too elevated and that he was straining to breathe normally. "It's definitely croup," they said. His temperature was 102, and he was just not happy.

They started Sawyer on the breathing treatment stuff they do for croup, and they also gave him a steroid. From there, I just held the breathing thingy-mo-bob in front of his mouth and nose for him to inhale. He didn't like it too much. He was so uncomfortable and kept breaking into these awful coughing fits and crying fits that ended up just making him cough even more. And I just couldn't get him comfortable.

About the time that Sawyer finally calmed down in my arms, the radiologist came to get us to get x-rays of Sawyer's lungs. Fortunately, they were clear but unfortunately, this got Sawyer all upset all over again. As we went back to continue the breathing treatment, I held this sweet little boy in my arms feeling so incredibly helpless. As I tried to comfort him by holding him tightly and telling him things would be okay, I really felt like I was the one being held tightly and told, "It's going to be okay" from a tender Father in heaven.

Memories of the week after Sawyer's birth flooded back ... him throwing up blood, his ambulance transport to Marshfield, having to hold him all night long and not being able to feed him, the doctors poking and prodding him, and that whole seemingly endless, miserable ordeal ... It all came back as fresh as though it happened yesterday ... And I couldn't stop the tears of feeling like my little baby has had to go through too much. ... To which I very strongly felt the message of a loving Father in heaven telling me, "I watched over him then, and I'll watch over him again. And I'll watch over you always because I love you."

With all the distraction of crying children, a messy house, grubby hands, loud tantrums, sleepless nights, I'm ashamed to say that it's been a while since I've so strongly felt the comfort of my Heavenly Father's love and an absolute certainty that I am His daughter and He is always mindful of me and my sweet little family. But that night in the ER reaffirmed with all certainty of my very soul that He is there for me. For my babies. For my husband. For our sweet family. And for all of us.

After Sawyer was discharged, he was already sounding much better than before. We came home, and as soon as I got Sawyer back to sleep and got comfy under the blankets myself, Carson woke up. ha. And go figure, of all the nights we'd been at my parents', this was the one night I couldn't get him to go back to sleep - he'd just wail as soon as I put him back in his pack-n-play. And I wasn't going to let him wake Sawyer after the night he'd had, so I took Carson up to my parents (I think it was about 6 am) and they were so kind to take Carson so I could get some sleep.

As the morning progressed, I was less worried about Sawyer. Sawyer was still coughing, but it wasn't making him sob from pain like it was the night before. I, on the other hand, was not doing so well. I was sounding worse (my voice and cough), my whole body ached, I had a fever, and I thought I was going to die (I clearly don't handle illnesses very well, ha). At one point, my parents walked in on my curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the bathroom. Oh, and I was kind of whimpering because I felt so sick. Definitely one of the prouder moments of my life.

Bless Carson's little heart, he was so worried about me. He kept coming in to check on me. He'd bring me kleenex, drinks, the thermometer, etc. And he'd repeatedly curl up beside me while repeating, "Nuggle Mommy, nuggle Mommy." (nuggle is snuggle, of course) I clung on to that precious, tender-hearted boy because I genuinely needed him. It's astonishing to me how Carson is repeatedly the very person I need; how he's so very frequently there when I need him, and without fail, he always intuitively knows exactly what I need.

And bless my wonderful mother's heart ... she got on the phone with my childhood doctor, who is always booked weeks out, and somehow managed to get me an appointment 5 minutes after she hung up the phone. My dad drove me to the doctor's office where I proceeded to fill out a massive amount of paper work and where my anxiety escalated when it asked about my insurance. My dad said he'd take care of the cost of the visit, which was so thoughtful, but I couldn't let him do that.

So when I saw my doctor, I melted down. Like, hard core. I told him about my out-of-state insurance, how it wouldn't work here in AZ and if it'd be smarter/less expensive for me to not see him and to go to urgent care or something. Then I melted down about how Carson had been previously sick and how Sawyer was in the ER with croup the night before and how I apparently needed to schedule a follow up appointment for Sawyer but couldn't get in to see anyone and how worried about I was about him etc etc etc. If it makes me sound any less crazy, I've been quite close to this doctor throughout my life. Meh, nah...I still was a total crazy person.

He quietly listened, and reassured me he was going to take care of me. Well, he did. And he took the whole experience from a nightmare-ishly stressful, awful situation to something I could totally handle and cope with. I don't think there are very many people who you can totally fall apart to ... and yet somehow you feel they see you as no less of a person. In fact, maybe they even see you as more. Well, this incredible doctor is one of those people for me. He even told me he's always had a special place for me in his heart and that I've been like a daughter to him. I just love him so much and feel so blessed for him being there for me. Oh, by the way, he even took time out of his Sunday to take a look at Sawyer - who was still acting off - and determined he had an ear infection. Oh, and by the way, I was diagnosed with bronchitis.

Already, I feel so much better! Sawyer's doing so much better, too. :) We're definitely still on the mend, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Good thing we're visiting my parents until the beginning of April so that there's still time to enjoy our vacation! Truly, I feel so incredibly blessed that things have worked out the way they have. I have no doubt that Heavenly Father has gotten us through this and helped me every step of the way.