It's been a long, long time since I've posted regularly. Part of it is because I got so behind, and once I got behind, I felt like there was no way to catch up. And if I reach that point with something, it's like I feel too overwhelmed to start back up again.
The other reason it's been so long is pretty simple: life. is. hard. And sometimes it's just so hard that I don't have the heart to talk about it anywhere, even in a place intended to be a record and an outlet for me - like this blog.
But I'm finding that if I don't start recording the good (and maybe even some of the bad), I might just lose it! Haha!
The past ... oh, I don't know ... way too many months, Carson and Sawyer have changed. They just ... don't listen to me and Alex. Like at all. It used to be that they would at least mind really well if we were out and about or in the company of others. But now that's not even happening. Alex and I have tried what feels like every tactic but to no avail. I have sobbed...many times. I feel like it must be something I've done or changed in my parenting to affect this kind of change in my kids' behavior. Needless to say, I haven't been the kindest to myself along the way.
Last Friday, (December 14th), I was having a particularly hard time. It's the most frustrating when I put in my absolute all to do things for my boys and provide them with fun experiences, and despite my efforts, they are still such stinkers about listening or showing any ounce of gratitude. After sobbing to Alex about this, he let me take a break and just rest in bed for a bit.
A little while later, he came in to share a story with me: After getting dinner for the boys, he returned to the table to find Carson folding his arms and bowing his head. Alex asked Carson about this and Carson replied, "I was praying to Heavenly Father that I'll be able to be a better listener for Mommy."
My. heart. melted. After so deeply doubting myself as a parent, Alex continued, "I don't think many five-year-olds would do that on their own without having been taught by a really good mom." I by no means pride myself as a "really good mom," but I'm SO grateful that despite my shortcomings and despite my kids' listening problems, they are still developing a relationship with their Heavenly Father. At the end of the day, I couldn't ask for anything more than that.
I'm learning that it's not about recording just the cute things my kids do or say; life is imperfect, and so are we. And that's okay. What matters is that we keep trying, keep going, and that we do our best to become more like God along the way.
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