Carson's story

A couple of Sundays ago on October 13th, I headed over to John and Terri's house after church to have lunch with the whole family. Being as pregnant as I was, I was pretty uncomfortable. At some point, Macie - with her massage therapy background - mentioned that rubbing the inside of your ankles can help you go into labor. I basically begged her to work this ankle magic on me, although I didn't actually think it would do anything.

So Katie and Macie set to work on my ankles. And whew, even if it didn't send me into labor, it sure felt nice! A couple hours later, I headed home to take a nap because I was exhausted. The evening progressed, and I started feeling what I figured were just some Braxton Hicks contractions. My lower back felt sore, too - but in a different way than it had been feeling. I took a nice relaxing bath to try and ease the pain.

After my bath, I sat down with Alex to watch Breaking Bad. I decided to paint my nails blue, and my mind actually drifted to, "Hmm, I wonder if Carson will get here before my nail polish chips off." Random, I know.

At about 10:30 that night, as I laid on our couch, I felt a sudden gush. "...Either I'm losing control of my bodily functions and I just peed myself, or my water just broke." We turned off Breaking Bad, I rushed to the bathroom, and Alex searched the Internet for an answer.

The pain in my lower abdomen started increasing and would come and go. I tried to time it - because at this point I assumed it was the start of actual contractions - but I was a little too freaked out to effectively time the intervals.

I picked up the phone to call my sister-in-law Abby. I explained what had happened, and she told me I should call the hospital and talk to the on-call O.B. I did just that, and the doctor told me I should come in to get checked out.

Holy moley, was I ever a mess! Alex, being the very level-headed person he is, wanted to just get in the car and go to the hospital. I, on the other hand, was rushing around - packing up the last things for my hospital bag. I actually made the time to gather up some make-up to take to the hospital! (which I never even put on) Ha! Heck, I even tried to convince Alex to let me wash up the dishes in the sink before we left! Keep in mind, I was doing all this through periodic painful contractions. In fact, I got even crazier - I actually asked Alex if going into the hospital this late at night wouldn't be covered by our insurance. He reassured me that our insurance would cover my visit, and then said, "Besides...what would you do right now if it wasn't covered by our insurance? Would you just stay home?" I replied that yeah, I would just stay home. Between chuckles and a head shake, Alex said, "Well, I don't want to deliver this baby."

And so he made us leave for the hospital. The whole way there, I was freaking out. "I'm sure this isn't labor," I said. "This is just going to be a waste of time and money," I went on. "The doctors are going to be irritated with me for coming in when I'm not actually in labor," I continued. Not surprisingly, Alex kept saying how crazy I was.

We got to the hospital at about 11pm. After checking in, I was taken in a wheel chair through all these hallways. I can remember thinking how surreal it all felt; it just didn't seem possible that I was on my way to have a baby!

I met with a nurse named Terri K., who was the sweetest lady ever. She had me change into a hospital gown and began asking me a bunch of questions. Afterwards, she confirmed that my water had indeed broken. She also explained to me that the reason for its coloring was the result of our baby ingesting meconium in the womb. Immediately, I was super worried.

The nurse explained that it's a fairly common problem, and that the doctor would simply suction out any meconium from the baby's nose and mouth as soon as the baby's head came out. She said it was important for that suctioning to occur before the baby took his first breath or else it could lead to more serious complications of the meconium getting into the baby's lungs. Despite how scared this made me, Terri made me feel like I didn't need to worry myself too much.

After that, Terri checked to see how dilated I was. That hurt a ton more than I expected it to! She said I was dilated to a 1.5 and said I had a long way to go. Ugh! I remember just feeling so tired and wishing I could just take a nap.

Terri hooked me up to all sorts of machines following that. Bit by bit, my contractions started getting stronger and stronger. I told her initially when I got to the hospital that my pain tolerance is very low and that I wanted an epidural as soon as possible. Terri had told me I needed to be dilated to at least a 4 before I could have an epidural, so during those painful contractions, I kept pushing myself to just deal with the pain because I was sure I couldn't be dilated much more than a 1.5. Terri instructed me on how to breathe - a deep breath in for 2 seconds, a deep breath out for 2 seconds. I must have been clenching my muscles all up because she recommended wiggling my hands and feet during contractions to keep them relaxed. Alex was so great through this whole process by rubbing my back, helping me shift positions, and basically just being exactly what I needed him to be - supportive and loving. Having him right there by my side reassured me that I could in fact do this.

After what felt like an eternity (but was really only an hour or two), I finally told Terri I couldn't take the pain any longer and that I wanted her to check to see how dilated I was. I was sure she was going to say I was only to a 2 or maybe a 3, but I was a 4-5! That meant I could have an epidural!! yayyyyyyy! Terri even said she hadn't expected the process to go that fast and that I would probably have the baby before her shift ended at 8 am. That was sure exciting to hear!

You know what wasn't exciting to hear, though? ...the woman in labor down the hallway who was screaming in agonizing pain. Think back to movies or shows you've seen of women in labor...now think of their screams...now multiply that by 5 and you have the ear wrenching screams of the girl down the hall from me. It. was. AWFUL. And it kind of psyched me out. A lot.

Terri put the request in for my epidural, but it took the guy about 45 minutes to get there. I seriously thought I was going to die the contractions were getting so painful! There were a couple times I quit breathing the way I needed to and instead held my breath from the intensity of the pain, but that only made the pain a million times worse. So I did my best to relax, focus, and breathe my way through the contractions. Looking back on it, I'm actually pretty proud of myself for how well I did. I honestly surprised myself of how focused and calm I was.

I was so very happy when the guy got there to give me my epidural! I was comforted knowing that Terri said he was the best on staff. I don't remember his name, but he was so good at making me feel calm about having an epidural. Shockingly, Alex watched him stick the giant needle in my back! I thought for sure that would make Alex pass out! The process of actually getting the epidural was pretty painful, but as soon as the medicine kicked in, I felt Ahhh-mazzzz-ing. And it was seriously immediate relief! I remember them telling me I was having a contraction right after he gave me the epidural, but I couldn't feel any pain!

They got me all situated back in my bed, and it literally felt like warm liquid gold running through my veins. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true! The warmth made me feel super relaxed, and Terri told me I could take a nap for a couple hours if I wanted to. Alex fell right to sleep, and I definitely tried to sleep. ...But the monitor I was hooked up to kept going off because Hershey's heart rate would fall lower than it should have during contractions. However, his heart rate would recover in between contractions, so Terri wasn't too concerned. Still, though, with the continual beeping of the monitor going off, I couldn't get any sleep. Not to mention it was making me worry that his heart rate kept falling.

At around 4:30 - 5 am, I asked Terri if it was normal that it felt like I needed to poop. (Haha, it's kind of funny how when you're in labor, all feelings of modesty, privacy, and bodily functions go out the window!) She explained that it was probably from the baby dropping lower. I guess nurses don't want to check how far dilated you are too often because it increases risk for infection and stuff, but I insisted she check because I just really wanted to push! Sure enough, she checked me and it was almost time!

She called the on-call doctor, who was Dr. Pollnow. I was really glad it was him because despite the fact that I'd never met him or had any appointments with him, I had heard that he was one of the best O.B. doctors in Rhinelander. Unfortunately for me, it took Dr. Pollnow for-ev-er to get there.

Terri was actually getting a little anxious that he was taking so long! She said the baby had dropped so much and that he was positioned so low that it would probably only take a couple of pushes to get the baby out. That felt like a relief to me, but I was starting to go crazy from how badly I wanted to push!

Dr. Pollnow finally got to my hospital room at about 6:15 am. He checked my cervix and got me all set up to push! He explained how I'd need to push, and he and Terri walked me through the breathing and pushing process.

Alex took this picture literally right before I started pushing!

I was seriously so scared but also so so SO excited. The pushing started at about 6:25 am, and after that very first push, my excitement evaporated to frustration and disappointment. You see, I had always thought the contractions before the epidural would be the hardest part of labor and that actually pushing would be the easy part - especially after what Terri had said about it probably only taking a couple of pushes to get the baby out! After that first push, I had made pretty much zero headway. Dr. Pollnow and Terri were great at encouraging me though. After a couple more pushes, I had tears running down my cheeks. "I thought this would be the easy part! I just want him out!"

I don't know why I never made the connection between pushing a human being out of you and extreme exhaustion... Because in hindsight, it's a "duh!" kind of obvious - of course pushing a baby out would be exhausting! But seriously, after a couple of pushes, I was seriously so wiped out. I just wanted to sleep. More than I had ever wanted to sleep in my life. And yet, I was kind of a wee bit more motivated to push this baby out and finally hold him in my arms.

As the contractions and pushes continued, I was getting closer - or so they told me! I was almost there, they said! Bless Alex's heart, he stood right by me the whole time, letting me squeeze his hand wayyy too tight whenever I wanted. Oh, as a fun little tid bit, I can remember Terri kept trying to get Alex to look at my progress during contractions. I'm very glad he didn't because it would have been awful to have him pass out on me!

During the last contraction, I could tell this would be the final one from the way Dr. Pollnow and Terri were cheering me on. I remember hearing something about his hair - how it looked like he'd have his dad's red hair. They told me to give one more good push, and as I did, my eyes opened for a split second.

Let me explain something quick: during the contractions, I kept my eyes very closed...for a couple of good reasons. 1) I was very focused, duh. But more importantly, 2) because there was no sheet covering me from the waist down like there is in all the shows and movies. I mean, call me crazy, but I can't really imagine any sane woman wanting to watch her baby exit her body. Too much information for you, I'm sure. But I am still blown away by this!

Anyway, back to my story, my eyes opened for a split second, and I saw his head...his perfect, beautiful head that seemed too little to be real, but too big to be possible at the same time. In that very split second, I was in love. I hadn't even fully seen him yet, but he was mine. My little baby boy, my son. It didn't feel real; it felt like a dream too good to be true.

...But as soon as his head poked out, I heard Dr. Pollnow say the umbilical cord was wrapped around my baby's neck twice. That "dream" that was too good to be true took an instant turn. Tears immediately filled my eyes as I asked if he'd be okay. Dr. Pollnow quickly suctioned out the meconium from my little boy's nose and mouth, and then quickly cut the cord. My sweet baby boy was out now...but completely silent.

My mind raced to all sorts of extremes... You kind of just expect your baby to be crying really hard the second they enter the world. But that silence was genuinely the worse thing I've ever experienced. I fired all sorts of questions - Why isn't he crying? Is he okay? Can I see him? Can I hold him?  And none of those questions got any real answers. The team of nurses and the on-call pediatrician quickly took my little baby over to the side of the room where they quietly and quickly worked with him. The fact that they hadn't even let me look at my baby, let alone answer any of my questions, sent me into a whirlwind of absolute panic.

Honestly, the reason I haven't written about Carson's birth until now was because I didn't want to think about and relive those awful moments where I thought my little boy wasn't going to live...

It was in these uneasy moments that I slightly pleaded with my Heavenly Father...pleaded that my precious son would be okay...pleaded that I wouldn't lose him...pleaded that He would bless me with comfort and peace that I desperately needed.

Dr. Pollnow and Terri did their absolute best to keep me calm. He was born at 6:53 am, so I had only pushed for about half an hour. They told me that was a super short delivery and that many first-time moms are in active labor pushing for as long as 12 hours. They told me I couldn't hold my baby yet because they needed to clear his lungs and help him breathe because he couldn't quite breathe on his own. They told me who knows what else, but things that I know were well-intentioned... and yet I couldn't help but panic. I remember looking over at Alex to hopefully get some reassurance, but his expression was trying to convince himself, just as much as he was trying to convince me, that everything was going to be okay.

They took Carson across the hallway to the nursery, where they incubated him and whatnot. Dr. Pollnow and Terri gently explained what they were doing with Carson and how he was going to be okay because if there were any major risks, they would have had him on a helicopter to a larger hospital already. They said I may not get to hold him for up to 12 hours or so since he needed help breathing and since he couldn't yet regulate his own body temperature. I couldn't stop crying because all I wanted was to hold my baby.. And even though they told me he'd be okay, somehow I knew I couldn't be completely reassured until I held him.

Alex was able to go see Carson and took a couple of pictures to bring back to me.

I looked at these three pictures repeatedly. I was so grateful to see pictures of him, but it hurt so much to not be able to see and hold him myself. (Alex didn't tell me at the time, but he told me later how Carson was blue when he was first born and not breathing and then how he was pretty pale when he first saw Carson in the nursery.)

It was around this time that I also found out Carson was 5 pounds 12 ounces and 20.5 inches long. So long, and yet so tiny! Finding this out kind of made me panic too... I mean, I knew he had been born 11 days early, but he was still just...so little..

I asked the on-call pediatrician if there was any other explanation for Carson's small size, and he explained that the umbilical cord was smaller and over on the side from where it should have been. He said this could have affected how much nutrition he received in the womb. I asked what would have caused that, and he made me cry like I've never cried before....he said that with my eating disorder, if I hadn't eaten the way I should have during my pregnancy, that could be the explanation of Carson's low birth weight.

I cried, and cried, and cried. I don't think I've ever felt so completely awful.. After the pediatrician left, I talked to the nurse, Terri about how scared I was that I had done this to Carson...that it was my fault he was in this awful situation..that I felt like the worst mom in the world. She said she could tell I had been doing my absolute best with my nutrition during my pregnancy because of how concerned I was. We talked about how I've been seeing a counselor and such, and she said my efforts to get help were plenty evidence that I was a good mom. That helped me feel a lot better, but still... I still worry sometimes even now that this was all my fault. I try to push those thoughts out as soon as I can though, because I know thinking that way is my eating disorder talking.

Not too long after that, I was told Carson was doing much better. With that peace of mind, I took a much needed nap. Once I woke up, I was able to go to the nursery to see Carson. As soon as I laid eyes on him, everything felt right again.

I looked at him with complete awe. I had a new found gratitude to a loving Heavenly Father who would entrust me and Alex with this precious little boy. I can remember gently reaching to touch him. His skin was so soft that it almost felt like I wasn't touching anything. As I stroked down his arm and reached his hand, Carson grabbed a tight hold on my finger. I felt instantly connected. Carson would come to rely on me for nourishment, and for the past 9 months, I had heavily relied on his very existence to keep me going and overcome problems with my eating disorder. And even though Carson was just this tiny baby in front of me, hooked up to all sorts of machines, he had been the one to give me strength and courage to be a mom. Looking into those beautiful dark eyes, I loved him with every single part of me.

I didn't want to leave his side, but Alex and the nurse said I really needed to get some rest. I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. Instead I decided to call my mom. The last time I talked to her was the night before - when I went into labor. I called her, kind of in tears, and filled her in on the details of what had happened. I did my best to sound positive and optimistic, but I know I was super emotional. Bless her heart, I later found out she had called just about everyone to pray for Carson.

Those prayers were definitely heard. And answered. Around 10 am, they brought Carson into my room and explained he was doing much better than they had expected - so much so that Carson could stay with me in my room! Terri, the nurse, placed him in my arms, and I just....felt whole. I know that sounds really corny and cheesy, but it's true. There he was, Carson Jacob Lindner, precious and perfect in every way. I held him close and couldn't stop kissing him and telling him how much I loved him. His smell was genuinely indescribable, but only because there isn't anything comparably perfect smelling. I just didn't want him to ever leave my arms.

My first time holding Carson

So perfect.

I got to try feeding Carson after that, although he was a little too sleepy to eat much. With my new breast pump, the nurse taught me how to pump after that. Not gunna lie; it made (and still makes) me feel like a cow being milked!

Carson was still hooked up to a monitor that measured his oxygen levels, and whenever his levels fell below 90, the monitor would loudly beeped. Kinda freaked me out every time it happened, but the nurses kept assuring me Carson was doing great. :) I was such a proud little mama - Carson was just a strong little fighter.

I held Carson as much as possible and studied all his little adorable features - his reddish-brown hair, his dark beautiful eyes, his chin dimple from his daddy and chin shape from his mommy, his daddy's nose, his big lips...I loved it all. And I love all his cute features more and more by the day.

Because Carson's body temperature was still a little low, they brought this incubator into my room for him. He definitely loved the warmth. :)

Don't you just wanna kiss those puckered lips to pieces?!

One of my favorite parts of this whole experience was snuggling Carson skin-to-skin under this heated blanket. He's such a little snuggle-bug. :)

In love with his profile. :)

It was so neat when my mom got there - to see her interact with her first grand baby. :) I'm so grateful Carson has her. I'm so grateful I have her, too. She's been such a huge help with making me and Alex meals, helping us clean our apartment, and just giving so much love.

My in-laws, John and Terri, also came to visit. Alex and John gave both me and Carson a Priesthood blessing. I'm so grateful to have worthy Priesthood holders in my life, and I'm so grateful for God's Priesthood power on the earth today to bless our lives. I felt such a huge outpouring of love from my Father in heaven, and I knew he had been watching over Carson and me. I feel so blessed to know that He is always there for me.

First family picture. :)

That night, I was definitely wiped out and ready to sleep! Carson woke up a few times and got better with breastfeeding each time. It was really nice because the nurses took Carson for a good part of the night so that I could sleep.

On the morning of the 15th, Carson's pediatrician, Amy Slette, did Carson's check up. She said he had only lost 1 ounce and to keep supplementing him with formula after each feeding (just because of his low birth weight, the doctor didn't want him losing any more weight). Dr. Pollnow also came in and checked on me. He said I'd be discharged on Wednesday, but Carson might need to stay longer. I wasn't too worried about it because they'd let me stay with Carson if that happened. Plus, truth be told, the whole hospital stay was awesome because the staff took such great care of me, Carson, and Alex. I mean, there was a whirl pool tub in my room! It. was. AWESOME. And it felt SO good on my very sore body. And just down the hall, there was an endless supply of juices, drinks, popsicles, ice cream, muffins, pudding, and all sorts of other snacks. The strawberry ice cream cups were the best. :)

Later that same night (Oct 15th), Carson was doing so well that they were able to take him off the oxygen machine. Alex and I were super happy about that! Alex and I were super happy in general, though. Having Carson had already brought the two of us so much closer. And seeing Alex as a daddy made me love Alex more than I ever dreamed possible. I mean, I knew I would love being a parent, but I never realized how much I'd love being parents with Alex. 

This blog post is becoming a novel, so I'll try and shorten it up with a few pictures...

Daddy holding Carson ... so cute!

Alex's first time syringe feeding Carson with supplemental formula

Alex's first time changing Carson. Clearly he loved it! 

Milk coma

Shana came to visit us too. :) She brought Carson and me wayyy too many gifts! Love her lots and love that Carson has his "Auntie Shana." 

Such a cutie.

I love this picture and Carson's little scowl - it's a frequent expression :)

Ready to go home Wednesday night! He looked (and still looks) so tiny in his car seat!

A little unsure about how he liked it, but he loves it now! If he's in his car seat, he's almost always asleep.

Getting back to our own home Wednesday night felt so good. And it was so exciting having little Hershey Man with us! We gave him a sponge bath that night. He definitely didn't like getting all wet, and still doesn't! Although he does enjoy the part of getting his hair washed. This was a picture we took after washing him up that night.

Love the duckie towel from my friend, Morgan and love how crazy adorable Carson is :)

Carson had a check-up on Friday, October 18th. He went home from the hospital that Wednesday weighing 5 lbs 8 oz, and at his appointment Friday, he weighed 5 lbs 8.6 oz. Even though that's a super small increase, his pediatrician was really excited that he had gained a little weight because typically newborns lose even more weight when they initially go home. This put him in the 2nd percentile for weight. At that same appointment, he measured 19.4 inches long, which put him in the 25th percentile for length. His head was 13 inches, putting him in the 10th percentile for head circumference. Such a little guy!

On Thursday, October 24th, Carson weighed 5 lbs 14 oz. I was so excited that he was gaining weight and eating so well! As a first-time mom, I think that's one of the biggest worries/fears I experience - worrying that Carson isn't getting enough nutrition and eating well enough. It's kind of intimidating knowing that his only source of food is coming from me, that how well he grows and gains weight is primarily dependent on me. Needless to say, my mind has been put to ease seeing how well he's growing.

On Friday, November 1st, he had another appointment, where he weighed 6 lb 4.5 oz! It's so strange that to me, he's gotten so big and yet when other people hear his size, they tell me their kids weighed more than that when they were born! His length was 20.5 inches (25th - 50th percentile), and his head circumference was 13.75 inches (10th - 25th percentile).

Carson keeps growing and changing every day. It's fun seeing his personality come out in little ways, like eating habits and sleeping habits. Up until a few days ago, Carson slept for 3 - 6 hour stretches during the day and 2 - 4 hour stretches during the night. It was pretty nice how much he was sleeping!

But notice that I said, "Up until a few days ago." A few days ago, he started being awake what basically felt (and feels) like 24 hours a day. He hasn't been sleeping well, and he's been eating a lot more frequently. I'm thinking he might be going through a growth spurt or something. Needless to say, Alex and I have been exhausted. Being a mom is definitely hard work. You crawl into bed after a long, tiring day ... and the second your head hits the pillow, your baby wakes up again. But despite how exhausted I am and how I've literally been doing nothing other than feed Carson, change his diapers, get him to sleep, and then somehow try to find time to sleep and eat myself, it's all so very worth it.

My life has honestly never felt more meaningful. And even though I feel like a zombie, I wouldn't trade it for anything. For some reason, Carson's been having a hard time staying asleep in his bed, so I find myself holding him for longer when he sleeps. I could seriously watch him sleep forever. His sweet breathing which occasionally turns to loud snoring makes me snuggle him all the tighter. His little facial expressions - whether it be scowls or smiles - warm my heart. I love Carson more than I ever dreamed I could, and it has given me a tiny glance into Heavenly Father's perspective of his love for us. I've never been able to wrap my mind around how much my Father in heaven loves me, and granted, I still can't. But becoming a mom has helped me understand Heavenly Father's unconditional love a little better.

I'm so incredibly grateful to have such a precious son and the best husband in the world. Even though I go through anxiety of not being a good mom or feeling overwhelmed, I see this incredible opportunity of motherhood as a chance to become a little more like my Savior and Heavenly Father. And nothing could be better. :)