But no pictures today. Because 1) I was crazy tired and worn out, and 2) I just didn't feel remotely photogenic today. But you get the idea - further along = further-out belly. :)
I did, however, want to take a chance and just...write all the extensive, crazy thoughts going on in my head. Well, honestly, words really can't capture the crazy that goes on in there. Seriously.
First off, this little guy is almost 1 pound! And roughly the size of a spaghetti squash...whatever that is! His lips, eyelids, and eyebrows are becoming more distinct. And his tooth buds beneath his gums are even developing! It's so amazing all the details of human development that are perfected through the pregnancy process!
I'm genuinely gushing out of my pores with love for my little guy. I look at his ultrasound pictures not just once or twice a day; but multiple times in a day. I keep writing letters to him, but I've reached a standstill because it's gotten to a point where I don't know how any words, analogies, or explanations can really portray how I actually feel.
I also talk to him. Frequently. People who see me driving or pass me in a grocery store probably think there's something wrong with me because I'm outwardly talking to, what appears to be, myself. Sometimes I even cradle my growing belly (stretchmarks, hair, and all) because it's the closest thing to snuggling my baby boy. His kicks are growing more pronounced and more frequent, and I actually get truly giddy every time I feel him. There are even times where a part of my belly feels really hard - as though his little booty, back, or something like that is pushed up right against my uterus. I passionately love that because it's an even greater tangible evidence of his sweet little body. :)
Am I normal? Or have I completely lost it? Either way, I don't really care. :)
As for the "other things" lately....whewff, is all I can say. I've been intensely searching for an apartment for Alex, our little boy, and me. And naturally, I've been super stressed over it. But all of a sudden, the perfect duplex apartment in the perfect location opened up. I met with the manager, who's amazing. And I toured the inside of the apartment. It's a mansion compared to our teeny, tiny studio apartment out at school! There are two bedrooms, and a giant walk-in closet in our room. There's a nice living room and kitchen, and even hook-ups for a washer and dryer! It even has a one-car garage! AND a nice big grass yard!
And not to sound like a creeper, but my favorite feature is the fact that there's a little playground practically in our backyard. My mother-in-law Terri thought this could be a disadvantage - that lots of kids will play on it and be noisy. Little does she know that that's an ideal setting for me. There's nothing better than watching little kids playing! (...that makes me sound like a big creeper, but I'm really not!)
Needless to say, Alex and I are pretty dang excited! I'm so grateful for wonderful in-laws who have been so kind and generous in letting us stay with them, but I'm also so grateful for the chance Alex and I have with getting such a great apartment for such a great cost. It will be so great for our little family!
But...of course...my eating disorder always butts in....into all aspects of my life, I swear. "Breanne, you don't deserve this. Taking this apartment - on top of all the things you'll need to buy for it, on top of having a baby and all the expenses that go along with that - is crazy, irresponsible, and it'll never work out."
Me to ED - "You're a stinky poo head, and you're wrong. And I do deserve this. And it will work out. No matter how much you try to tell me the things in my life won't work out, you are wrong. Things will work out. They always do."
And yet this conversation is never-ending. And ED always tries to take it out on me by having me stress so much that food is unintentionally pushed to the back burner. Alex came home from work today to see me in tears over this. ...And there's not much harder on Alex than seeing
I know I'm getting better at this...because it's taking less time to get ED out of my brain. Definitely less time than it used to. Sometimes I can even kick ED out without having to talk to Alex first. My goal is to be able to do that more and more frequently.
Sometimes ED tells me - on the days my eating isn't "perfect" - that I am a terrible mother. That I'm hurting my little baby. And that I basically fail at life. But despite not always remembering it in the heat of the moment, he is wrong. In those moments, I talk to this sweet, perfect little boy inside me. And through tears, I plead for him to help me fight ED off. And without fail, in every single one of those instances, I feel extra-strong kicks against my belly.
Somehow I know it's my son's way of helping me remember the truth - ED is wrong. I've done so much to help myself and my little boy. I don't fail at life. And in fact, I am becoming better. A better version of myself, and no matter what, a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who wants nothing more than to help me become all that I can be.
A random memory comes to mind: it was the first summer that my now brother-in-law and his family lived in Rhinelander. For some reason or another, Alex and I were babysitting our nephew, Jack. I'm pretty sure it was my first time spending any real one-on-one time with him. And I remember being intimidated. I can remember mentioning to Alex prior to that experience that I was terrified of ever having sons because I didn't think I'd be any good at it.
But Jack and I bonded. And I guess you could interchange the word "bonded" with "wrestled." We had a legit wrestling match. Despite his tiny size and his significantly younger age, he beat me into the ground. Like, for real. I actually thought, in the moment, that I was going to die...or at least break something! Haha, but oddly enough, it was fun. And I loved that little kid like crazy.
Anyway, after that experience, I remember Alex giving me that classic Alex look (the one where it's like he's peering into your soul) and earnestly saying, "You'll be just fine with having your own little boys someday."
That stuck with me all this time because his sincerity behind those words meant so much. And sometimes, when I find ED being hard on me, I remember that experience. I focus on what I can actually do; not on what ED tells me I'm not. I'll by no means be a perfect mother, but I will be a better mother than I give myself credit for. And I'll definitely be a better mother than ED tells me I'll be.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with all this mumbo-jumbo, except that it's all in your perspective. I'm probably always going to be a higher-stressed person than the average joe, and to some extent, I'm probably always going to battle ED. But that doesn't have to control how I see my life or what I can become. My amazing sister-in-law, sent me a link entitled "50 Reasons Why You Are Absolutely Beautiful." (http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/12/50-reasons-why-you-are-absolutely-beautiful-linnea-jensen-stewart/).
It opened my perspective of how I currently see myself (the good and bad) and how I want to see myself. And it helped me think of true beauty in a whole new way. Life is beautiful, too. And I - in all my many, many imperfections - am beautiful. Beautiful in who I am, who I'm not, and who I can and will become. And when I forget that, I can remember that it will all work out. Everything will work out. It always does.
Is it weird that this made me cry a little? You're so amazing Breanne, love you girl and thanks for writing this! Also, I want to see pictures of your new home!!!
ReplyDeletexo