I guess I could say that it started back around Halloween. I had been overly sensitive with roller coaster emotions. Alex wanted me to take a pregnancy but I thought he was crazy. We had been talking about having another baby, but I didn't think I could have gotten pregnant that fast. So on October 30th, I took a test. I showed it to Alex because I honestly wasn't sure; the line sort of looked positive, but it was super faint. So I ended up buying another test from a different brand. And it was very obviously positive. I was really weird about telling Alex, just because I honestly must have gotten pregnant right when we started talking about another baby! But Alex was super excited, as was I!
I'm still super excited, but very soon after that, the "morning" sickness started. I was nauseous all.day.long. And then the actual throwing up started. I developed a new respect for the friends I have who threw up constantly during their pregnancy because even though I wasn't throwing up constantly, it was still SO miserable.
Most of why I'm never really honest with myself and have such a hard time being honest with Alex and others is because I HATE feeling like a complete wimp. I don't like complaining to others about myself, and I don't like others thinking I'm anything less than completely fine and functional. But I've been anything BUT functional. My nausea/throwing up had me eating very little - which of course stressed me out given my history with an eating disorder. And then I was just so weak; trying to care for Carson on a day-to-day basis took everything out of me. I've felt like the worst mom in the universe because I've been able to do so very little with Carson. And then I've felt like the worst wife in the world because I honestly haven't had the strength and energy to clean or cook. So dishes kept piling up while our food supply kept diminishing. And so my sense of self worth has gone through the toilet.
Alex and I talked about how I needed to start seeing my counselor Jessica again. And so I have. That, in and of itself has been so difficult because I was finally doing better - finally being kinder to myself and everything - when all of that seemed to come crashing down again with becoming pregnant. It's rather ironic how much my life had fallen into a good place with routine and feeling healthy, happy, and stable. I was finally feeling really functional and good about myself as a mom, a wife, and really, just as a person. I wanted another baby because of all that - because I felt able. But once pregnancy sickness hit, I felt anything but able and capable.
Jessica keeps telling me being sick, not feeling well, not cooking and cleaning in NO way reflects who I am as a person. And it shouldn't dictate how I feel about myself. But it's so hard to not be incredibly mean to myself when my pregnancy hormones have my emotions bouncing all over the walls, clearly affecting Alex and Carson.
But here's what often brings me back to reality from my mommy meltdowns ...
They measured me at being 10 weeks and 1 day, making this little baby's due date July 6th. His/her heartbeat was 182 bpm, and the doctor said everything looked good.
So despite the majority of this post being nothing but my meltdowns, I'm so grateful to be pregnant and to be blessed by Heavenly Father with this sweet little spirit ... who apparently wants to remind me of his/her constant existence by giving me so much nausea and exhaustion! haha, just kidding. Well, kind of. :)
Fortunately, within the past 2 weeks, the vomiting has gone away completely! And the nausea has lessened some. And the exhaustion is still there, haha. But I'm hopeful that with the end of the first trimester coming closer, (I'm 11 weeks 5 days today) so will the end come of being so sick and completely non-functional.
And the reason my meltdowns are particularly prevalent today is because after a fun vacation in the Wisconsin Dells with Abby, Kaleb, and their boys, I have a raging fever, accompanied by aches and pains so intense that Carson's playful love actually hurts. Oh, and some nasty sinus/cold-feeling stuff. Last night I actually kept crying to Alex because I felt so awful and I was just being a crazy pregnant lady. Ha.
Okay, I feel better. Well, better in the sense that writing freely and honestly helps relieve all the meltdowns I keep having! It will be okay. I won't have a fever and a cold forever. I also won't have nausea forever. Heck, I won't even be pregnant forever! In a little less than 7 months, I'll have another precious bundle of cuteness to hold. :) Whew, okay, I can do this.
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