in my head

Every now and again, my brain goes to a bad place. I've learned that I can't just let it do that; I need to do something to counter my thinking errors. For some reason, I can never realistically see my thinking errors as just that - thinking errors. Inevitably, I allow those thinking errors to consume me, which results in me questioning my self worth. In those moments, I find myself thinking only negative thoughts about myself. I've actually found that the best way for me to work through such thinking is to blog. So if you don't want the nitty gritty, stop reading. But to me, what's the point of false pretenses? Obviously, we shouldn't all sulk around - dumping our insecurities and negativity on anyone. We should strive for happiness and optimism, but at the same time, I think it's important to be real. What's the point of relationships that aren't authentic? Why not know what actually goes on in my head, as opposed to constantly putting on a brave front?

Because right now, I'm feeling anything but brave inside. I never imagined the absolute joy I'd feel being a mom. I feel like I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. And I genuinely love each moment of it.

But my brain still goes to bad places occasionally. My eating disorder still gets in the way of Breanne. I get sad and frustrated with the way my body looks. I get angry and frustrated with myself for not having the energy to get any real exercise. Most of my day is devoted to nursing Carson, changing him, giving him as much learning stimulation as I can, snuggling and loving him, and then helping him back to sleep. Any spare moment beyond that is spent in sheer exhaustion. So much so that sometimes, I go as long as 3 or 4 days without showing. ewww. And then I feel beyond guilty for being gross. Or for not exercising and doing my best to get rid of baby body.

Then there are times where I melt down about Carson. Is he where he needs to be developmentally? Or is he behind? Am I doing anything to completely mess him up? Is it bad to nurse him on demand like I have been? - Does that teach him it's okay to eat whenever he wants?

...This whole blogging-about-this thing is really good, because just in reading that last paragraph, I realize how crazy it sounds. I'm sure any mom (especially first time mom) is going to worry about her child's development, as well as question everything she does as a mother. I'm guessing such things are simply indicators of a mom who really cares and loves her baby.

But then there's my house. My house literally hasn't been clean in over 2 months. Since having Carson, there has never been a time where all of the dishes are cleaned, put away, and not piled up with grease and grime in the sink. No matter how many times I start cleaning dishes, I'm never able to get them all done.

Laundry piles up on me. I can't remember the last time I vacuumed. Or cleaned out the fridge. The closets in our house are stuffed with odds and ends and have no real organization to them. Carson's room is piled high with boxes and bins and clutter. The floors need washing. Things need dusting.

I haven't done any substantial grocery shopping since Carson was born, and I've probably made a total of two or so real meals since then. Which piles onto the guilt of all the cooking Alex has done for us instead, even when he works long days.

Tasks I start never seem to get finished. Not because I don't want them to, but because Carson is that demanding. That makes it sound like he's a terrible baby or something, but he's not. It's just that for the past 2 or 3 weeks, his needs have been especially demanding - with eating every half hour to an hour during the morning and throughout the day. Consequently, he wasn't really sleeping at all during the day, aside from little cat naps here and there. And any time he wasn't eating or kind of sleeping, he was fussing and crying. We'd try everything, and some things would soothe him temporarily, but nothing lasted. That added to the guilt that I was somehow causing all this. That it had to be something I was doing to Carson...something with the way I was taking care of him, or something I was eating.

Again, guilt. And the thought of it being something I was eating was really difficult because food, as it is, is a challenging area for me. Eliminating any of the foods I do eat - like dairy - in an attempt to help Carson feel better scared me... because if I started cutting out things I currently ate, would I still be able to keep eating the way I needed to?

Then there's the environment outside of my home. You see, within my own house, I'm usually pretty confident and comfortable as a mom. I have everything I need at hand, and I have at least some form of a routine. But when I get out, I spiral into anxiety. Even though it's probably a thinking error, I always feel like others see me as this terrible mom. I feel like my in-laws think I'm a terrible mom and have no idea what I'm doing. My thinking errors turn to feelings of inadequacy in comparison to my sisters-in-law. I get convinced that in-laws' suggestions or offers of help somehow suggest that I'm doing a terribly awful job as a mom.

Completely and totally stupid, I know. And yet, in the heat of the moment, I can't fight those ridiculous feelings. And then, in those moments, I think I actually allow it affect me as Carson's mom. And then, as a result, I think I'm not the kind of mom I would normally be to Carson because instead, I'm stressing about what others see in me as a mom...instead of just being the mom I am when I'm at home.

And of course I'm stubborn and impossible and I don't know how to just ask for help. Or rather, I refuse to ask for help. I don't like troubling other people when I know they have their own stuff to deal with. I don't like contributing to others' work loads. And I don't like not being able to do everything myself.

I have a hard enough time admitting to Alex when I need help. But bit by bit, I am. As painful as it is for me, I see the benefit of asking Alex for help. And it's better for Alex and our relationship when I do ask for help. So that should give me the motivation to open up to others and ask for help, right?

Ugh, I wish. I mentioned at the beginning how we shouldn't have to put on false pretenses to those around us. We should just be able to be authentic to what we feel and what we're experiencing. But for me at least, it's me who stands in the way of my own authenticity. I don't want to appear vulnerable. I don't want people to know that despite my crazy-strong love for Carson, there are still times where I just wish I could sleep or times where I wish I could just take a bath and relax or times where I just want to get out and away for a bit.

Somehow, I'm convinced that showing my vulnerability, my dirty dishes, my unmade bed, my cluttered corners, and everything in between gives the world evidence that I'm a lousy person, a lousy mom, and a lousy wife.

Fortunately, Carson is at least being better. As of the past two or so days, he hasn't been fussing and crying constantly, and I hope that sticks. I love him to pieces, and I just want him to feel good. And fortunately, as I reread the previous paragraph, I realize how completely ridiculous I sound.

Even though I never seem to catch up on cleaning or errands, that should be okay with me. I'm probably not ever going to have everything done and accomplished, especially with a new baby. And I should be okay with that instead of getting hard on myself and completely sad and upset about it.

And so I will set to the task of accepting the not-perfectness of my house. I'll try to accomplish little things here and there, but I'll try not to completely loathe myself for not getting to everything at once. And if, in fact, if I don't get to any of it in a day because Carson's had a rough night, I'll try and be okay with that. I'll also try to not feel like I'm failing to those who rely on me for things. I'll do my best to get to church, even with a crying unhappy baby, but I won't hate myself if it doesn't happen the way I want it to. I'll fulfill my young women's calling to the best of my abilities, but having a newborn does in fact mean I may not be able to do everything. I'll try to ask Alex for help when I need it, and I'll try to do it more regularly. And I'll do everything I can to stop my thinking errors once I recognize them. And little by little, this will get better. I'll get better. I won't be as insecure with people seeing me for me. I won't constantly worry what someone thinks of me as a mom or as a wife.

Some days will inevitably be hard and I will certainly not be perfect in my attempts to change, but I'll do my best to be okay with that. It's a process. And it's going to be okay. As I think I've said before, it always is.